下面是小编整理的简单英语笑话，以供大家学习参考。

简单英语笑话：停止打你老婆

【资料图】

This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent"s witnesses.

One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.

“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!”

“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness.

“There are not!” snapped the lawyer.

“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：Have you ceased beating your wife?”

这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师，他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。

有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。

“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辩护律师怒喝道： “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”

“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。

“不存在这样的问题!”律师厉声打断他。

“噢，”证人说：“那么请你回答这个问题：你停止打你老婆了吗?”

简单英语笑话：奇怪的关系

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I"m the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what"s wrong and he answered, "What"s wrong? I work for 7up"!

四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

简单英语笑话：一分钟一百万

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second."

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

简单英语笑话：妈妈在砸瓶子

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, "Mommy can"t come to the phone right now. She"s hitting the bottle."

一个妇人正在使劲打开番茄酱的瓶子。这时，电话铃响了，她叫四岁的女儿去接电话。小孩说：“妈妈现在不能接电话，她在砸瓶子。”

简单英语笑话：The Nice Wedding Gift

We attended the wedding of an acquaintance"s son. Because we did not know the young man or his bride, we decided to send them a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher. Apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because we received a card saying: "Thank you very much for the nice wedding gift. We look forward to using it soon.

我们参加了一个熟人的儿子的婚礼。由于我们都不认识那个年轻人和他的新娘，所以我们决定送给他们一个实用的全家礼----一个灭火器。很明显，这对新人大批量制作了他们的感谢信，因为我们收到了一张卡片，上面写着：“非常感谢您的漂亮的结婚礼物，我们期待着不久就用到它。”

简单英语笑话：The Use of a Handsaw

At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.

Let"s try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.

Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I" 11 have chopped sirloin, please.

The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.

在集市上，我和妻子买了一些五金用品，包括一个手锯。我们返回汽车时刚好路过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧，”我妻子建议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的，但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说：“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我，看了看我的锯，说道：“我能看出，先生，你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”

简单英语笑话：A Woman"s answer

A husband said to his wife, " Why did God create women to be beautiful but foolish?"

"Well," his wife answered at once." The reason is very simple. God made us beautiful so men would love us; God made us foolish so we would marry them."

一位丈夫对他的妻子说：“为什么上帝把妇女创造得如此美丽却又愚蠢呢?” “噢，”他的妻子立刻回答道，“原因很简单。上帝使我们如此美丽，男人才会爱我们。上帝使我们如此愚蠢，我们才会嫁给他们。”

简单英语笑话：Only One Eye to Settle On

The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn"t you tell me this before ?"

"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

姑娘找到媒人，说：“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我?” “怎么没告诉你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。”

简单英语笑话：You May Select可以选择

The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.

One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?"

The wife said, "You may select the dish today."

The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"

"Cabbage."

"The others?"

"None."

"Then how to select?"

"Eat or not eat!" the wife said.

丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。

一天，丈夫回到家，问妻子：“亲爱的，今天我们吃啥菜?”

妻子回答：“今天你可以选择。” 丈夫感到非常高兴，又问：“都有哪些菜呢?”

“炒白菜。”

“还有呢?”

“没了。”

“那你要我怎么选呢?”

“吃还是不吃!”妻子一本正经地说道。

简单英语笑话：Two roaches 两只蟑螂

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It"s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it"s so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I"m eating!"

两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着，其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。“那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里，”它说。“那里太干净了!厨房没有一点污渍，地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净，整个地方都在发光。”“请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗?”另一只蟑螂不悦地说。

简单英语笑话：我需要器官移植

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ." "What makes you think you need all these?" Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."

这个病人显得很坚决。“医生，我需要做肝脏移植、肾脏移植、心脏移植、角膜移植、脾脏移植、胰腺移植和……” “你为什么认为你需要做这么多移植手术?”病人回答：“哦，是这样，我的老板说如果我这个人不重新组装的话，就别想保住我的工作!”

简单英语笑话：埋在花园里的枪

Guns Buried in the Garden An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn"t know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don"t dig up that garden, that"s where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn"t find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son"s reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

一个老人独居在北爱尔兰，他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆，但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事，儿子回信说道：“看在上帝的面上，千万不要翻松花园的泥土，我把枪埋在那儿了。”第二天凌晨4点，一队英国士兵出现在老人家中，在花园把土地翻遍，但并没有找到任何枪支。” 老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情，问到底发生了什么事情，下一步应该怎么做。 儿子回信道：“你只管种土豆好了。”